Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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