I heard we made out
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
