Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Blood and glitter go together right?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
