He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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