You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
my poor anus
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
