i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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