Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
