I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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