Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
