You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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