I wish I only lived at night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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