I'm drive I can fine osifer
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
