getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
