we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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