i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
