The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
