K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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