farters have to be the big spoon...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
