After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Pants are for mortals
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
