While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
