listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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