So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
