i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
