we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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