K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
