I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
