just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
