ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
