Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I could make wine with my vomit
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
