Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
