I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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