LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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