Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
