I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
