He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
