Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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