cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
