She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
please don't ironically join a cult
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