Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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