I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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