Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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