and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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