Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
