You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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