he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
