I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
