I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
