new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
