So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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