im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
